my absolute favorite thing in the world is God's grace.
life, and humanity, and sin, make it so easy to forget that every day is new for us with the Lord. it's so hard to wrap my feeble human brain around the fact that He is so much bigger than i, and even more- His LOVE is so much bigger than my fallibility, my incompetence, my fragility- and even better- His love is based in something that in my humanity, i can barely comprehend- something heavenly.
when i was little, i didn't often feel loved. life was a test and if i didn't measure up, i wouldn't gain approval. and if i didn't gain approval, then i wouldn't be admired or respected. and if i wasn't admired or respected, i wouldn't be valued. and if i wasn't valued, i wouldn't be loved.
this painful paradigm plagues me to this day.
today i heard one of my most favorite worship songs- How He Loves (this is the first version i ever heard, though all are great: David Crowder Band- How He Loves). i simply can't describe how it feels to learn, and remember, that there is absolutely nothing- not one single thing- that i have to do to obtain God's love for me. His approval, acceptance, admiration, respect, and how very much He values me is plain, simple and free. it comes from Him, not me- which, of course, is why it's so perfect. i couldn't even stop His sweet love from emanating down into this frail little heart if i tried.
lately, i've been....a little lost. i was way off track for most of my life, but then the Lord straightened my path. i took to it quickly, if not easily, but the more i grew in His way, the more i wandered from that original path. i'm confident that as i wandered, i was following the Lord, and that i still am. it's just that that first leg of the journey was so clear- it was like playing with those enormous baby-Legos, or painting by-the-number- so simple. farther on down the road, things have become less clear, more messy- now i have more options, and the Lord is less hands-on. i know this is a sign of my maturity in Him, but....there's also more of a margin for error. what i mean is- now He allows me to get a little farther off the path before He reels me back in again- and that process has gotten harder, and more painful. not only that, but there also seems to be more to lose every time i fall. lemmetellya- it makes the option of sticking to milk for life make a lot more sense....
the beauty of God's grace, and the precious truth i was reminded of this morning is that really, though the Lord is less hands-on, He is still as close as ever- and He is still just as dependable as ever.
part of maturing in Him is being willing to hurt- there's just something about humans that makes pain one of the most effective teachers. but as we can be sure of His love and provision for us, we can be sure that our pain is necessary to what He is doing with our lives- whether we need to learn a lesson, be a lesson for someone else, or just plain old interact with a world that has not yet been fully redeemed.
it is the certainty that God truly and deeply loves us, and is therefore looking out for us, that brings us to obedience in Him- we trust Him enough to commit our whole selves, our whole lives, to Him. and somehow- whatever we may lose in the process never compares to what we gain.
on this eve of the new year, i am so blessed to be reminded that though i've been hesitant to do just that for the last little while, i can make a new decision, a re-newed decision, today to turn my heart, and life, back to His control once more. i am safe in Him. πνεύμα
inLove,
theFarmer'swife
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
such is love
tonight i'm just feeling...stinky.
you know the kind of day when you can't hold on to anything, you have a million things to carry, you walk somewhere only to find upon your return that you had something else to bring to that very place, you realize that the food you intended to cook for dinner has gone bad only after you have already been to the market....and the like?
grrrrrrrr. and ughhhhhhh. ending with a blechhhh!!
it's times like these that quotes like this just make me want to wander into a desert not to be heard from for 40 days (at least): "if you don't have time to pray and read the Scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be."
yeah, no kidding.
i can't tell you the last time i sat with the Scriptures- certainly not the last time i gleaned some wisdom from them. that doesn't mean i don't hear from the Lord- due to the Farmer's gentle insistence over the course of weeks (months?), i actually sat with Him the other night, and as always, came away with valuable, relevant, truth that brought me to a place of peace i hadn't known the pleasure of for weeks (again, months?)....
crazy how the very thing we KNOW will give us what we need, we run from.
the truth is- living with someone is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
don't get me wrong- i love, ADORE, my sweet husband....but....i kinda....miss....me. and my life- specifically my life with the Lord.
you know, i FINALLY realized about 9 months before i started dating my honey, how precious the time was that i had to spend with the Lord (and myself) ALONE- and if i was really going to get married someday, and have kids- well then i better get to truly ENJOYING my time!
and let me tell you- i enjoyed the HECK out of those 9 months.
NOT that i don't enjoy the heck out of being married- i have the most wonderful husband in the ENTIRE world- he is the absolute BEST partner for me and i have no doubt my sweet God handpicked him for me! he's my best friend, the best to laugh and just talk with, and....let's just say the chemistry's just right ;)
but sometimes....it's nice to be ALONE....to come home and grumble without knowing you're hurting the person you love the most....to crank YOUR favorite music and dance through your tiny house....to order in, or take out, or eat chips (or wine) for dinner.
and my sweet husband, would NEVER prohibit me from doing any of these things- to the contrary, he's actually joined me in these steam-blowing activities....but it's just....not....the same.
loving man that he is, he has offered numerous times to make himself scarce so i can do what i need to do. i should probably take him up on it sometime....but....i just....love him SO MUCH....i don't WANT him to leave....even if i do....you know?
such is love, i guess.
and speaking of....he has been bustling about the kitchen for the last half hour as i've written (ranted) and listened to (blasted) my favorite music and drank (gulped) good red wine, and just presented me with dinner- his new creation "upside nachos" (apples, cheese and garlic spiced sweet sausage)....mmmm, perfection...in every way <3
God bless that sweet man for putting up with this crazy woman.
thesongthatmeantthemosttomeinthismoment<3
as always...
inLove,
theFarmer'swife
you know the kind of day when you can't hold on to anything, you have a million things to carry, you walk somewhere only to find upon your return that you had something else to bring to that very place, you realize that the food you intended to cook for dinner has gone bad only after you have already been to the market....and the like?
grrrrrrrr. and ughhhhhhh. ending with a blechhhh!!
it's times like these that quotes like this just make me want to wander into a desert not to be heard from for 40 days (at least): "if you don't have time to pray and read the Scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be."
yeah, no kidding.
i can't tell you the last time i sat with the Scriptures- certainly not the last time i gleaned some wisdom from them. that doesn't mean i don't hear from the Lord- due to the Farmer's gentle insistence over the course of weeks (months?), i actually sat with Him the other night, and as always, came away with valuable, relevant, truth that brought me to a place of peace i hadn't known the pleasure of for weeks (again, months?)....
crazy how the very thing we KNOW will give us what we need, we run from.
the truth is- living with someone is a lot harder than i thought it would be.
don't get me wrong- i love, ADORE, my sweet husband....but....i kinda....miss....me. and my life- specifically my life with the Lord.
you know, i FINALLY realized about 9 months before i started dating my honey, how precious the time was that i had to spend with the Lord (and myself) ALONE- and if i was really going to get married someday, and have kids- well then i better get to truly ENJOYING my time!
and let me tell you- i enjoyed the HECK out of those 9 months.
NOT that i don't enjoy the heck out of being married- i have the most wonderful husband in the ENTIRE world- he is the absolute BEST partner for me and i have no doubt my sweet God handpicked him for me! he's my best friend, the best to laugh and just talk with, and....let's just say the chemistry's just right ;)
but sometimes....it's nice to be ALONE....to come home and grumble without knowing you're hurting the person you love the most....to crank YOUR favorite music and dance through your tiny house....to order in, or take out, or eat chips (or wine) for dinner.
and my sweet husband, would NEVER prohibit me from doing any of these things- to the contrary, he's actually joined me in these steam-blowing activities....but it's just....not....the same.
loving man that he is, he has offered numerous times to make himself scarce so i can do what i need to do. i should probably take him up on it sometime....but....i just....love him SO MUCH....i don't WANT him to leave....even if i do....you know?
such is love, i guess.
and speaking of....he has been bustling about the kitchen for the last half hour as i've written (ranted) and listened to (blasted) my favorite music and drank (gulped) good red wine, and just presented me with dinner- his new creation "upside nachos" (apples, cheese and garlic spiced sweet sausage)....mmmm, perfection...in every way <3
God bless that sweet man for putting up with this crazy woman.
thesongthatmeantthemosttomeinthismoment<3
as always...
inLove,
theFarmer'swife
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