new...ma

my absolute favorite thing in the world is God's grace.

life, and humanity, and sin, make it so easy to forget that every day is new for us with the Lord. it's so hard to wrap my feeble human brain around the fact that He is so much bigger than i, and even more- His LOVE is so much bigger than my fallibility, my incompetence, my fragility- and even better- His love is based in something that in my humanity, i can barely comprehend- something heavenly.

when i was little, i didn't often feel loved. life was a test and if i didn't measure up, i wouldn't gain approval. and if i didn't gain approval, then i wouldn't be admired or respected. and if i wasn't admired or respected, i wouldn't be valued. and if i wasn't valued, i wouldn't be loved.

this painful paradigm plagues me to this day.

today i heard one of my most favorite worship songs- How He Loves (this is the first version i ever heard, though all are great: David Crowder Band- How He Loves). i simply can't describe how it feels to learn, and remember, that there is absolutely nothing- not one single thing- that i have to do to obtain God's love for me. His approval, acceptance, admiration, respect, and how very much He values me is plain, simple and free. it comes from Him, not me- which, of course, is why it's so perfect. i couldn't even stop His sweet love from emanating down into this frail little heart if i tried.

lately, i've been....a little lost. i was way off track for most of my life, but then the Lord straightened my path. i took to it quickly, if not easily, but the more i grew in His way, the more i wandered from that original path. i'm confident that as i wandered, i was following the Lord, and that i still am. it's just that that first leg of the journey was so clear- it was like playing with those enormous baby-Legos, or painting by-the-number- so simple. farther on down the road, things have become less clear, more messy- now i have more options, and the Lord is less hands-on. i know this is a sign of my maturity in Him, but....there's also more of a margin for error. what i mean is- now He allows me to get a little farther off the path before He reels me back in again- and that process has gotten harder, and more painful. not only that, but there also seems to be more to lose every time i fall. lemmetellya- it makes the option of sticking to milk for life make a lot more sense....

the beauty of God's grace, and the precious truth i was reminded of this morning is that really, though the Lord is less hands-on, He is still as close as ever- and He is still just as dependable as ever.

part of maturing in Him is being willing to hurt- there's just something about humans that makes pain one of the most effective teachers. but as we can be sure of His love and provision for us, we can be sure that our pain is necessary to what He is doing with our lives- whether we need to learn a lesson, be a lesson for someone else, or just plain old interact with a world that has not yet been fully redeemed.

it is the certainty that God truly and deeply loves us, and is therefore looking out for us, that brings us to obedience in Him- we trust Him enough to commit our whole selves, our whole lives, to Him. and somehow- whatever we may lose in the process never compares to what we gain.

on this eve of the new year, i am so blessed to be reminded that though i've been hesitant to do just that for the last little while, i can make a new decision, a re-newed decision, today to turn my heart, and life, back to His control once more. i am safe in Him. πνεύμα

inLove,
theFarmer'swife

such is love

tonight i'm just feeling...stinky.

you know the kind of day when you can't hold on to anything, you have a million things to carry, you walk somewhere only to find upon your return that you had something else to bring to that very place, you realize that the food you intended to cook for dinner has gone bad only after you have already been to the market....and the like?

grrrrrrrr. and ughhhhhhh. ending with a blechhhh!!

it's times like these that quotes like this just make me want to wander into a desert not to be heard from for 40 days (at least): "if you don't have time to pray and read the Scriptures, you are busier than God ever intended you to be."

yeah, no kidding.

i can't tell you the last time i sat with the Scriptures- certainly not the last time i gleaned some wisdom from them. that doesn't mean i don't hear from the Lord- due to the Farmer's gentle insistence over the course of weeks (months?), i actually sat with Him the other night, and as always, came away with valuable, relevant, truth that brought me to a place of peace i hadn't known the pleasure of for weeks (again, months?)....

crazy how the very thing we KNOW will give us what we need, we run from.

the truth is- living with someone is a lot harder than i thought it would be.

don't get me wrong- i love, ADORE, my sweet husband....but....i kinda....miss....me. and my life- specifically my life with the Lord.

you know, i FINALLY realized about 9 months before i started dating my honey, how precious the time was that i had to spend with the Lord (and myself) ALONE- and if i was really going to get married someday, and have kids- well then i better get to truly ENJOYING my time!

and let me tell you- i enjoyed the HECK out of those 9 months.

NOT that i don't enjoy the heck out of being married- i have the most wonderful husband in the ENTIRE world- he is the absolute BEST partner for me and i have no doubt my sweet God handpicked him for me! he's my best friend, the best to laugh and just talk with, and....let's just say the chemistry's just right ;)

but sometimes....it's nice to be ALONE....to come home and grumble without knowing you're hurting the person you love the most....to crank YOUR favorite music and dance through your tiny house....to order in, or take out, or eat chips (or wine) for dinner.

and my sweet husband, would NEVER prohibit me from doing any of these things- to the contrary, he's actually joined me in these steam-blowing activities....but it's just....not....the same.

loving man that he is, he has offered numerous times to make himself scarce so i can do what i need to do. i should probably take him up on it sometime....but....i just....love him SO MUCH....i don't WANT him to leave....even if i do....you know?

such is love, i guess.

and speaking of....he has been bustling about the kitchen for the last half hour as i've written (ranted) and listened to (blasted) my favorite music and drank (gulped) good red wine, and just presented me with dinner- his new creation "upside nachos" (apples, cheese and garlic spiced sweet sausage)....mmmm, perfection...in every way <3

God bless that sweet man for putting up with this crazy woman.

thesongthatmeantthemosttomeinthismoment<3

as always...

inLove,
theFarmer'swife

home really is where my heart is

many times today i've almost been overcome with tears....grateful, ever so grateful, tears.

maybe it's the natural cadence of my eddying journey with my precious God, but i am overcome with the sense that the more He gifts me with, the more keenly aware i am of the unending blessings of the shelter of His wings.

i feel undeserving, by far. but more than that i am, unquestioningly, in awe of His sweet, sweet grace.

you'd think, after so many years, it'd get old.

it doesn't.

sitting here, writing, with a glass of good red wine in front of me and my kittycat at my feet, after spending the night shopping with my best friend, then cooking a late dinner to the tunes of Van Morrison, Etta James, Ray Charles, Cat Stevens, Norah Jones, Frank Sinatra and others, anticipating the near arrival of my dear husband- life just couldn't be better.

it truly is the simple things that bring the purest joy in life.

hope you're finding yours!

inLove,
theFarmer'swife

ps. if you're curious, this is what i made for dinner tonight- it's one of the Farmer's favorites! ;)
http://www.rookie-cookie.com/2008/04/penne-with-chicken-sun-dried-tomatoes.html

behold, how brightly breaks the morning ~James Kenney

how appropriate that the Farmer's wife should be writing to you from none other than the annual organic farmers conference...or from near it, anyway, lol, as spouses are not allowed to join their loves in their lodging, unless they join them for the entire conference (for a hefty fee, of course). word to the CCOF- allow accommodations for all the Farmer's wives out there!!! we don't want to spend four days away from our sweet hubbies (at least THIS one doesn't, lol!)!! ;P

anyway....as you might have noticed i am in much higher spirits! :) i can't say quite why, though i'm sure my aforementioned 'breakdown' helped, lol. it could be that i am being treated by my loving husband to a long weekend in beautiful Monterey in one of the most charming B&B's ever! (Gosby House Inn if you're ever in the area!) not to mention the massage and facial i will receive right here in our room tomorrow afternoon! this is after i spend the day scoping out the area's many consignment shops and boutiques for suits and other business wear for my NEW JOB!!! :D

yes, folks- i finally have a new job!! so ok, for those of you that only know me through this blog, you don't quite know the significance, but suffice to say this is a L-O-N-G time coming, lol. granted, it is in *perfect* timing...as are all great blessings! and i am so excited (and honestly quite scared, lol) to embark on this new adventure! so this is a sort of "last hoorah" weekend, as it will take much more focus (but will also bring SO many more opportunities!) than my current job.

i will also say that i have been clearly reminded that as an ambassador of the only lasting Kingdom, i am not to concern myself with how others treat me- but instead how i absorb their metaphorical punches and continue to love them unconditionally- the way my precious Father loves me. i am surprisingly (or not? lol) immature in this area. (this is just another reason- of so many reasons!!- of why i am SO appreciative of my sweet husband's unending grace for me.)

also, i have just plain made some good headway in some personal goals (and with the new job, now have the resources to pursue some other very important personal goals).i hate to be the type of person that is so effected by their circumstances- yes, i know that's why we call ourselves human ;) but my security lies with something so much greater than my circumstances (which we all know are ever changing)....maybe it's just because whether or not i'm on top of my stuff is a direct reflection of my state of mind....? i dunno, i think either way- my trust in my ever-providing never-changing loving Father could use a growth spurt....i should probably be careful for what i wish for, huh? nah, i'm well aware He'll stretch me at His leisure, and not my own ;)

well, friends- time for a bite! until next time!

inLove,
theFarmer'swife

come-apart

why does a breakdown always seem to be necessary in order for a breakthrough to occur??

well, no matter....now. mine has occured and it has cleared some of the fog from my thoughts.

today, i am grateful for my loving husband, and his willingness to wade through these storms with me, even when it soaks him to the skin. and i treasure his tenacity to slog through the mire until, together, we reach the core issue that's driving my need.

above all, i bask in the provision of my precious Father, who ever knew my beginning, my end and my meantime, and is with me in them all.

on a lighter note- i completed my first (or one of my firsts, i can't remember, lol) pinterest project. appropriate for this week :)

inLove,
theFarmer'swife

time passes

it is only when i look outside the boundaries of my own lovingly (and sometimes painstakingly) crafted garden that it suddenly seems clumsy and sparse- when before it may have seemed fledgling, but it was all the more precious for the uncertain though enthusiastic efforts (and surprisingly pleasant results!).

i find when i am most fragile, i make a lot of comparisons....or perhaps it is when i make a lot of comparisons that i find myself most fragile.

the Farmer is particularly protective of me against this most harsh practice (or is it a compulsion?) of mine. he is truly a gift of grace and love in my life. Father was most wise in His choice for me, knowing that when i seek to please my sweet husband, and reach farther into what i too know is right for me, i am also aligning my heart with Father's deepest desires for me. in short, they double-team my tentative heart.

in this stormy season, i am so grateful for the boat that carries me, and for the great Keeper of the sea.

inLove,
theFarmer'swife

or i'll never get started....

so here i am, shooting off my first post, with exactly 12 minutes to do it!

today i am dreaming of things i could create- beautiful things, delicate things, colorful things....possibly even for profit, so i can make even more beautiful, delicate and colorful things!

right now i'm wondering if i have the time to edit this post so it too will be beautiful, delicate and colorful....probably not.

i will mention as a completely unrelated side note that i am not myself lately. something is shifting inside me, has been for awhile....it's not a feeling as if i am losing myself, but instead that i am finding myself- just, slowly....VERY slowly. it's excruciating, and i feel for my sweet husband (the Farmer himself) as he waits so patiently- as if he's not even waiting at all- sometimes absorbing blows i didn't mean to throw. this is such new terrain for me, finding myself- and as if i have unlimited resources...of course, i DO- i have just never lived in accordance with that fact. maybe that's the biggest change of all that's going on inside me right now.

well, i have 6 minutes left, but i think i'll leave it til next time. yay for finally beginning.

inLove,
theFarmer'swife